I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
