I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
