Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
