I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
