I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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