the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
