This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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