dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
