is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
