...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
