Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
