I CAN MOONWALK!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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