she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
