dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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