I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
