Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
