You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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