Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I think I won the penis lottery.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
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