You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
