reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
