My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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