I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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