11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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