Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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