just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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