So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
