how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
