Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
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Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
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Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My ass is underappreciated
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.