wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"