I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
