I don't usually arrange sex via text message
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
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I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
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You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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