i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
