I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
