Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
