Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
