i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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