you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
