Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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