Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
