he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
