I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
