4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
