dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I FOUND THE LEGS
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
