Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Fuck appropriateness.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
