so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
