They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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