not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
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since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
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You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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