I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
