I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize
