Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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