What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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