paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
