My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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