A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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