I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
