my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
