i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
